Putting Myself Out There

Some of you might have gathered by now that I don't really put my problems out there too much. Sure, I've posted about my morbid thoughts, my fear of roaches and dying, about depression and drug addiction (NOT CRACK, I'd like to add. It was CRANK, thank you). I don't post a lot of what's going on deep inside because when I sit here with my fingers on the keyboard and try to get the words out, it overwhelms me. I just sit here, feeling like I'm being squeezed, and not wanting to hear back "you should see a therapist." Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, the bumper sticker, the mug, and the complimentary pen. Not going back.

I also don't like feeling like every one's going "aww poor Jae," or conversely "what an attention seeker." Not trying to do either of those things. So I keep it inside, always. It is what it is what it is.

The last few days have been really hard. As some of you know, I started working last week for the first time since I had the boy. I'm going through intense training at a new company, new people (argh), new things to learn... I'm really torn on the whole thing. I only went back to work so that I could afford for Nevan to go to a great school full time. I always told myself that once he REALLY needed to be doing it - that being at home with mommy was no longer rewarding enough - that I would go back to work. We have finally come to that junction, and I kept up my side of the bargain. I feel like a part of me has died. I desperately want my SAHM lifestyle back... time with Nevan, time to keep the house clean, to prepare dinner for my family before Dave gets home, time with my cats. The new schedule has not been easy on Nevan.

Dave just left to Singapore for two whole fucking weeks. I literally wept for two hours last night. I could do nothing other than blubber things to him like "I don't know what to do with myself when you're not here" and "please don't go." He's really miserable about going, and promised me he would never take a business trip this long again. A week is my maximum tolerance. To top it off, he has another business trip in late February for a week. I'm fairly miserable about this.

Then there was this whole misunderstanding between Nevan's school and us about his schedule going forward. This has made me extremely angry (to the MAXX! LOL). Apparently we are to find out Monday if this problem is going to be resolved or not. I am really disappointed in the lack of communication among their administrative staff. I'm not even going to go into detail about the issue... it's too drawn out and I'll get mad all over again.

On top of this, I've been really sick with a nasty cold since Tuesday, and so has Nevan although he is feeling much better. Snot and fruity coughs galore. I'm so depressed over Dave being gone.

So there is me, on a platter. Stick an apple in my mouth, this bitch is ready to be served.