I just couldn't help but recollect some very anxiety triggering things from my pregnancy, his birth, and his first year, and those memories practically made my hair stand on end in an instinctual resistance to the thought of doing it again. When I mentioned that one of the reasons I was reluctant was because I didn't want to gain 50 lbs again, a person I know thought that was extremely queer... that the very notion of not bringing a child into the world because of my vanity was bizarre. Um... I didn't say that was a deciding factor. It is merely one of many, thank you. And I'm not vain, so kiss my ass (because my white, wide ass is that beautiful).
Sorry, tangent. Okay, back to my point. There were many things that made me reluctant, such as:
- an endless vacation in nausea-ville, home of cold fish milkshakes
- another cesarean. not good. at all.
- another recovery from a cesarean. Yay for darvocet.
- weight gain and obnoxious fluid retention from IVs. I was so badly swollen from the IVs that pressing my skin left a mild indentation. It was PAINFUL and took almost a month or so to get rid of after being released.
- days that bleed into months because of exhaustion. Nevan was a bad sleeper.
- post partum depression and a level of anxiety that may very well have been previously unknown to mankind. I can't begin to describe the horrible things I thought while delirious with PPD. That was a new low in my life and I've only recently really recovered from this. Now I'm just left with my normal levels of depression! Hooray hooray!
- frustration with my inability to sustain a milk supply for more than 4 months, if it's like it was last time.
- terrible twos. Just thinking about reliving Nevan's terrible twos makes me want to put forks in my eyes and nail my tongue to a wall.
- having a new child so far away from the physical support of family and friends sucks.
- having a new child when your significant other works a lot sucks.
All of these things paint a pretty dreary memory of my last four years if you include pregnancy. I know in my heart I want another, so for me the question was "Am I ready? Can I do it? Can I do it without tearing my little family apart with my hysteria? Will it be good for everyone?"
Over the last month or so we had finally arrived to a mutual decision that we will give it a go next year some time, which made me happy, but I still had a knot in my stomach when thinking about it. I secretly still wondered "Am I ready? Really?"
Tonight I laid in bed, watching Nevan fall asleep. His eyes struggled a little but he hadn't napped much at school, so he quickly forfeited. He's never been the greatest sleeper... that's just who he is. His own little self with his own little quirks. I watched this sweet, growing, little man in pure wonder, and I know now with absolute certainty he was worth every pound I gained, every staple that was in my belly, every night I hysterically cried myself to sleep, every time I cried in frustration while trying to pump, every second of humiliation during a public tantrum... every second of the day he is worth it. And so will our second child. I guess I just needed to find the right moment to quiet the noise of my mind so I could see what I truly want and need.
I no longer have any hesitations about having a second child. He or she will be as beautiful, wondrous, and enchanting as their older brother, and I will love them as much as I love him. I can't wait to meet them.
17 comments:
i so feel you. deciding to go through the hell of pregnancy was something i couldn't even think about too much for fear my tubes would tie themselves out of fear. it was like ripping a bandage off - i just took the plunge. i'm so glad i did it, and in general, the second time around wasn't so hard. plus, you'll be able to commiserate with your friends of two children about how there's never silence in the house!
That's beautiful Jae. I can relate on many levels. We've been tossing around the idea of having another for quite some time now, but there are so many reasons why it's a bad idea. Then we spent the weekend with friends and their 8 month old baby and both of us (and both kids) went completely gaga over her. It made me remember that all those reasons not to have a child disappear into thin air as that child arrives, and like you said, every hardship is worth it ten-fold for the joy in seeing their beautiful smile or sleeping face.
Wow, Jae. Just wow.
I'm so happy for you. Coming to this decision isn't easy for anyone. I should know; I've been mulling it over pretty much since Ellie was born. Harry's gung-ho on another one.
And not wanting to gain 50 lbs is NOT vain. Has that person recently gained 50 in 9 months? Ass.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. I know that sounds weird, but because I struggled with getting pregnant, I wish anyone trying luck:)
Good luck! And remember, not every pregnancy is the same! My pregnancy with Z was so different than with Aaron, I was about 5 months along before I even knew! You could have a really easy pregnancy and an easy going newborn, so it's worth it if you really want another. Plus, you've made it through one, the second is much easier.
Aww thanks guys :) it can be such a hard decision.
Okay, I feel bad asking this but... who is webstats? Their profile is set to private.
Beautifully written Jae. Your honesty astounds me. I guess it's just been too long for me but I don't remember pregnancy being tough or even the early years - well with the exception of Stephanie from 18 mos - 7yrs ;-P
I birthed two and then for the added touch adopted my last. Now that was cool - no pregnancy weight!
I have no doubt that you'll settle in and have a great experience with the next one. I am so excited!
Cesarean recovery should be reserved for criminals. Bad sleepers try the soul. My mom once told me I was lucky not to have an easy child the first time around, because imagine the shock if you have an easy one first and a difficult one second. I figured either I'll have an easy baby because I'll deserve it, or I'll have another Sam because I will have passed the test. So we're going again, just not this year.
How beautiful.
I went through similar feelings after my first. When she was 18 months I found myself pregnant, and so afraid. Like petrified about it. I knew I wasn't ready, I felt overwhelmed and scared. Just when I was starting to feel alright about it, I miscarried. We waited until Rhayn was nearly 4 to try again. It was a hard decision.
But I can say from experience, that your second will be nothing like the first. One won't sleep, the other will, like a dream. One can't/won't nurse the other will be a champion at it. And all of the issues, weight gain, nausea, recovery, is so worth having another little person whom you love so completely and who loves you just as much.
I wish you luck, it will happen at the best time, and it will be perfect.
What a beautiful post Jae! It was hard for us to decided to have our second child too, we were afraid of upsetting the balance that we had. Of course, once you have the second one, you'll see that your fears will go away. Nevan will make a great older brother and friend to a new baby.
Oops! Webstats is my (Chrissi's) work account for Google Analytics. I must have been logged in for that account when I commented, sorry! And of course there is no indication in that post who I am... did I freak you out? LOL, So sorry!
Awesome! Good on you two for giving it a go! =) Can't wait to hear all about it...heheeee.
LOL Chrissi! No, I figured it HAD to be someone I knew so I was not freaked out ;) But now I know, so post away as webstats all you want.
I hate to resort to the usual platitudes, but seriously, this was beautifully written. There are so many reasons not to have more children and pregnancy is pretty sucky (and I breezed through mine comparatively) but I'm glad that you've reached a point where you're at peace with your decision. You guys have done such a fabulous job with Nevan, I know #2 will be just as wonderful. I'm glad you don't have any more hesitations about another one.
(I won't even bother mentioning how hellish your life will be in 10-13 years when you have two ulcer-inducing teenagers to deal with. Because seriously, who wants to think about that?)
Jae that was so beautifully written. It's not an easy decision to make, having a child. I've been struggling lately with having a 3rd! I know I'm totally insane, but there's a part of me that would love to have a
3rd child.
I'm so happy that you have come to a decision that you are happy with. I can't wait to read all about Nevan's future sibling :)
Ahh, my friend. So wonderfully, wonderfully written. You and I have hashed this out, so you know without me having to say "I SO relate!" And I also understand that wonderous, overwhelming joy that makes it all so worth it. I LOVE this post!
I totally feel you on this. My 2 biggest "fears" were: 1.) The difficult pregnancy and culminating bed rest from my first time 2.) The thought of actually loving another child as much as I did/do Sam
We waited 3 years and then I had two miscarriages. That sucked! Now, though, we have the most amazing 6-month old baby boy. The pregnancy was still a bit difficult, but he more than makes up for it. And, as Lisa said, every pregnancy and newborn differs.
I think it's great that you are thinking about it this much. It's a really BIG deal.
Wow, that was beautiful! Sorry it's taken me so long to read it.
I was lucky... my first pregnancy and child were not difficult. That made my decision easier. But I hear you. After 2 miscarriages in between, I began to wonder if it was worth it.
Then I look at Sam and know it was. That wasn't such a great pregnancy.
Good luck! And my the pregnancy gods smile on you and let you have an easy 2nd pregnancy and child... whenever you decide!
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