A Little Sad, A Little Happy

They grow up so fast, don't they? One day my son was a newborn, crying for his mama and needing to be swaddled, and I was scared, in love with my baby, and new to motherhood. At some point I blinked, and now he's in school two days a week and has decided on his own to go from co-sleeping to sleeping in his own bed every night. He can form sentences and has complex thoughts. He is developing patience to figure some things out on his own without getting pissed, without needing my help. Of course I'm always on the sideline, on the edge of my seat, just in case I see that moment where I can offer, "Want mama to help?". Waiting for him to need me to wrap myself around him. Needing him to still need me.

You always hear people say "they grow up so fast," but you just can't see it until it's in front of your face. The other day an old friend, who I haven't spoken to in years, sent me an im. We started talking, and he asked how old Nevan was. When I replied with two and a half, he just about shit a brick. To be honest, saying it just about made me shit a brick too. It's a strange emotion to be simultaneously frightened and proud.

I love that little guy more than I could show him. Sometimes I feel like an awful mom because I know he won't see how deeply I do until he has his own kids. I think I also yell too much. He's always jumping on me or hitting me, and after a while (and a fat lip or a bruise) I get mad. I guess I need to find a better way to stop him. How is it toddlerhood can be so wonderful and difficult at the same time?! It's always two steps forward, one step back with them.